Love Awake

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November 24, 1999

Staring out, over the frozen landscape
In a cloudburst, she reveals her form
>>> While I sat in my apartment studying Real Estate investing and hunting for satelite photos of everyone's house, Cathy met Andy. They spent a weekend together and when it was over on November 18, she sent me an email all about it just as I'd asked her to. I was happy for her...I read intently... read how it was the best weekend of her wonderful it was. Wonderful? Hmmm... then the romance...she was in love. Somehow it didn't feel as good as I thought it would. The romantic nights...I really hated reading about those. Romantic nights? They just met...he didn't know her like I did! I felt stomach was churning...a horrible feeling fell over me and slowly worsened. It was as if someone had kicked me in the stomach. I was crazy jealous. I wanted to be the one she spoke so passionately about.

After emailing a friend, discussing this and then crying at my computer my friend, Ophelia, asked me,"Did you ever think you may be in love?" Could it be I didn't even know it? I cut off communication for three days as I dealt with my personal hell. I had her and lost her and I'd always been cool and composed around her. I didn't want her to see me like this. This started a dark period for me. When we finally began talking again I avoided the discussion and then out of the blue I told Cathy,"I love you". There was silence. It was a very powerful moment.

I wrote a poem about how I felt (see Love Awake ) but she loved Andy. When he came online she'd boot me off. I felt so awful. I talked to friends and met some new ones to draw comfort and come up with options. Cathy even talked of moving to Boston to live with Andy. I might never see her again.

After a week of moping around I drove to Indiana for Thanksgiving. Cathy and I were chatting again but there was pain on both sides and sometimes I'd have to leave. She knew I was hurting. I talked her into letting me visit her antique shop on my way to Indiana. I brought some food and since she set her own hours we sat on the back steps on my coat and talked for three hours in the sunlight. I wanted to see her eyes...and what I saw was something. She couldn't look me straight in the eyes. I quietly took her hand and rubbed it as we spoke...she didn't push away. I knew I had a chance.

My heart pounded so fast and my feelings were so strong, although I was cool I knew she felt something...she had to feel it. Cathy was a big Dave Matthews fan and told me she'd been looking for one of his CD's in the store but couldn't find it. I found it, bought it and sealed it in a little make-up mailer which had been hung on my apartment door. Before I left her shop I handed it to her, not telling her what was in it, and said,"They keep hanging these on my door and since I don't use make-up anymore I thought you might find something in it you can use." I hugged her and drove away to Indiana.

Her hair, flying trails of fire around her 
In a tempestuous, red storm>>>

She walks among them, mindless of the flowers 
That sprout up, along the path she has trodden>>>